5 Minutes on Having Difficult Conversations

Let’s face it. It can be anxiety-producing to wade into hard conversations.

You might need to have a conversation about performance with a direct report.

Or you need to bring up a touchy subject with your co-worker.

We’ve all been there. The desire to avoid it, or put it off as long as possible. The fear of everything going sideways.

What if instead we could cultivate conflict resilience?

(You can find a great podcast about that HERE).

Healthy, strong relationships are always going to have their moments of tension and difference.

It’s not about avoiding conflicts, or even resolving all conflicts.

What’s key, is having the resilience to work through moments of conflict when they arise.

Did a light bulb just turn on for you? I know it did for me.

So, how do we build conflict resilience? How do we move through moments of conflict and have the hard conversations we might otherwise avoid?

Let’s start by understanding your mindset about hard conversations and conflict.

“Freedom lies on the other side of a difficult conversation. The more difficult, the more freedom.”

I love this quote from Shonda Rhimes in her book “Year of Yes.”

We often trick ourselves into thinking that difficult conversations are best avoided.

We say things like:

• They will never change.

• It’s not that big a deal.

• I don’t want to appear harsh or mean.

Or we charge in headfirst. We are convinced we’re right and know exactly how the other person needs to change.

Instead, I’m proposing we come to hard conversations with honesty and humility. It’s not easy, but that’s how we’ll find freedom on the other side. 

This freedom, to me, has two parts.

The relief we can feel when we talk about something directly that’s been festering under the surface.

And the deeper freedom that comes from truly being open to being changed by the interaction.

How do you have hard conversations with honesty and humility? I have five ideas for you.

5 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations

1. Regulate your nervous systems

We have to overcome our brains natural instincts when it senses danger, like in a conflict.

Our brain wants to respond with flight, fight, appease, or freeze. That’s how it tries to protect us. But when we’re in that mode, not only are we not responding mindfully, we also lose some of our best thinking capacity.

We can practice telling our brains and bodies that we are safe. Every time we do, we are building our muscles to be able to have hard conversations.

 You can build conflict resilience and regulate your nervous system in a number of ways. It will be important to try things out and find what works for you.

Want to try something today? Try SKY breathing.

2. Practice how you are going to open

Thinking about how you are going to start the conversation can help alleviate your anxiety and help the conversation get off to a good start.

I love the openers in this blog post from Judy Ringer. 

Here are three great examples from the post:

• I think we have different perceptions about [blank]. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.

• I’ve noticed a recurring conversation (tension, disagreement, problem) we seem to have. I’d like to talk about why that happens

• I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?

3. Separate the problem from the person

 As you think about or share what's not working for you, watch your "inner chatter."

You might hear things like:

• "That person is really annoying."

• “They are so hard to work with.”

• “That person is such a pain.”

Practice shifting your focus to the behaviors that aren’t working for you, and away from judging WHO they are as a person.

What are they doing that you don’t like? What impact is that behavior having on you and your work?

4. Truly listen to the other person

We want to really hear what the other person is saying. See what you can hear underneath their words.

Hold off on focusing on your own perspective and being understood yourself.

This takes time, effort, and commitment. It may not come naturally at first but keep practicing.

5. Focus on your own change

We go into the conversation willing to be changed.

The catch is we aren’t trying to change the other person.

This can be really tricky.

If you are the supervisor and there is a work or performance issue with a direct report, expecting change might be appropriate.

But in many other cases, focus on your own change.

Someone is doing something you don’t like.

Someone is handling an issue differently than you would.

There’s a clash of personalities, priorities, perspectives.

Pause and see where you can let yourself be changed by the conversation.

I hope you’re feeling more prepared to have a hard conversation.

How does it feel to approach a hard conversation with a mindset of conflict resilience?

What’s one step you can take towards a conversation you’ve been avoiding?

Which of these five steps do you need to practice the most?